When your discernment kills you

[euigorwithyou]

When your discernment kills you.


“Why should I see so clear and in such details all her wrong thinking? I can not resist this anymore. My discernment is killing me”. Have you got in such situation? This happens when you have a better understanding then your girlfriend regarding what is logical and what is not logical, what makes sense to do and what doesn’t make any sense. So you think:”What is obvious for me should be obvious for her”. But she sees things differently and so she thinks in the same terms: ”What is obvious for me must be obvious for him”.As a result between you two is created a conflict.

Suppose that she does have some shortcomings. Who doesn't ? But what is really happening here is that she is just not ready for the moment of truth. In this case, your discernment becomes your enemy. Why? It is because you use your discernment as a hammer, hitting her on the head. Your problem is in presuming wrongly that she must see her problem as clear as you do. And thus you create, in all your wisdom, the situation of a very serious conflict. Your girlfriend is just not ready for your “discoveries’ about her shortcomings. So you use your discernment to destroy methodically your relationship with your girlfriend. And you do this without really realizing it!
Could you honestly recognize that in fact it is your misused discernment, which kills both you and your relationship? Now imagine that Johnny and Anny got exactly in the above mentioned situation. Johnny realizes that his misplaced discernment destroys their relationship. What to do next to revive their almost broken relationship?

[Mihu]

How interesting.
I was looking in the dictionary what the word discernment means.
And I found that it has the word discrimination as synonym. :roll:

Well, i think that when someone is wise enough to understand anything better than his beloved he should be also wise enough to understand that everyone is learning at his own pace and showing your superiority to her will just make her feel bad.

[Guest]

Also among other synonyms of the word discernment are: distinguish, separate, differentiate, tell the difference, have good judgment etc.

Your conclusion is very correct. But the problem is that people are inclined to see and judge everything from their point of view. Since the situation appears so obvious for them, they don't admit other point of view.
For example, your girlfriend sees much clearer than you do, the mistakes you make like “do yourself”, “go yourself without me”, “it’s important for you, but not for me” attitudes. It could be that she has a much better discernment (judgment) regarding how relationship between you two must be. She might think:» Doesn’t he understand such an obvious thing as to accompany me and pay to me more attention?” You don’t see it as clear as she sees it, that’s why you react:”Why she is not satisfied?”, “What does she want from me?”

So the problem is that: she has a better discernment regarding such issues as personal attention, mutual affection etc. You, though, think that there is no time for this, because life requires you to dedicate fully to the job, building your career etc. So, what is so obvious for you is not obvious for her. As a result you both live on volcano ready to erupt any time. The question still remains: what to do?

[Faw_Peter]

This is in our subconsciousness. I had a lot of girlfriends and I understood that arguing with or persuading her to do something doesn't bring to a good end.
The boy must be the one who should concede. If you really love your girlfriend, then you should know what is her family education and how she sees the life generally. Thereby you will put yourself inside her skin and understand what you should do in order to solve the situation.

[euigorwithyou]

Yes, but this is very difficult thing to do sometimes. Why? Because she often faces the situation of conceeding to your goals, which conflicts with her expectations of what is meant to be together. Besides the level of understanding of a certain situation is different, because of different backgrounds, and sometimes - different cultures. So, the real question is how to hear other side (each other). Sometimes the words can not reach other person heart, since either you tell them in a hurry, or they don't transmit the idea you meant. Or, the wording of your idea is precise, but you find that your girlfriend is in a bad mood. So, she is not in the situation to focus on what you are saying. The question is what to do in this case. Especially, when you feel that you distinguish, differentiate elements (facets) of the problem to be solved much clearer than she does?

[Faw_Peter]

When I talk to a girl and want her to understand me clearly, I simply make sure she did! How? I'm just repeating the same thing or giving arguments. Sometimes a joke during the discussion may spoil everything, and sometimes it may cheer you both up. So adding humor into discussion is good for understanding better each other, it's just that you have to feel when this moment comes.

[euigorwithyou]

In fact, the discernment must be balanced by something else. By what and how?
Balanced by a joke told at the right moment? That's just one of many possibilities.
But what do you think about giving up some of your plans, ideas for the sake of peace?
Or what about "refusing to see" other persons' shortcomings, meaning not focusing and not commenting on them for the sake of love?

To see clearly, means to see various elements of the whole. So, then "refusing to see", is refusing to discern things. Not because you have lost your discernment, but because you look for something to balance it for the purpose of keeping the love. How easy is it?

[Terry]

First you give up once, then twice then many and many times. The situation can be solved without giving up. By the end, if things are still bad the couple should break up.

[euigorwithyou]

A bird was in a cage for many years. Everyday it tried to get out of the cage, making a lot of noise. One day it decided to stop doing this. When its master approached the cage one morning, he saw that the bird was dead. He left the cage open and begin preparation to burry the bird. But the bird was alive. It just made the master believe that it was dead. It flew away to freedom. It gave up the old plans and applied the new ones. This helped it to get free.

My point, in reference to the topic, was that sometimes we push ourselves in a cage. And we insist that once we have discernment of things, that's all that matters. But, is it?

[M.Helen]

If we talk about ideas, then it's yes, we should give up those which don't work. Sometimes an idea can appear accidentally. The bird probably did began keeping silence intentionally, it did that when it realized that the master thought it's dead.

[euigorwithyou]

Yes, that's what it is about!

[Terry]

I am very stubborn in the things I do. Sometimes it brings me success and sometimes the opposite. You never know when you should give up or not

[euigorwithyou]

Thank you for your honesty.
Insisting on your truth (being stubborn) is not always good. For instance, take a situation when you are right, but your girl friend is wrong. Suppose that she does not see that she is wrong. What will you do? Will you insist on your truth? Isn't not more reasonable to wait till she will see more facts and will come to understand her mistake? But suppose she will never understand her mistake. Will it matter it thirty years from now? Isn't better to overlook her error? If you limit yourself only to discerning things, you will not find a relief, but just pain.
In the final analysis, Insisting on our love is better than insisting on our truth.

[Steven]

yes, but love and truth are often interrelated. These thngs can't exist separately. Besides, love can be so strong that you are ready to insist on the truth as much as it is necessary.