Little Johnny's dog Benji was sick and the boy was afraid that his dad would come back from the vet with bad news.
As his dad stepped through the door with Benji in his carrier, Johnny rushed to find out what the vet had said.
"I'm afraid it's not good news, son," said his father. "The vet reckons Benji's only got another three weeks or so to live."
Hearing this, Johnny burst into tears.
"But Benji wouldn't want you to be sad, " said the father, putting a comforting arm around Johnny's shoulder. "He'd want you to remember all the good times you had together."
Johnny rubbed his eyes. "Can we give Benji a funeral?"
"Sure we can," said his father.
"Can I invite all my friends?"
"Of course you can."
"And can we have cake and ice-cream?"
"Sure, you can have whatever you want."
"Dad," said Johnny. "Can we kill Benji today?"
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Teacher: Why are you late?
Johnny: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Johnny: The one that says "School Ahead. Go Slow." So I did!
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Little Johnny was going to spend the weekend wit his friend Timmy and he had loaded all his favorite toys into a cart, which he then began pulling the mile or so to Timmy's house. He was doing fine until he reached a steep hill.
As he struggled with the cart up the hill, Johnny began swearing. "This god da#$ thing is so heavy!" he moaned.
A passing priest ticked him off. "You shouldn't be swearing, Johnny," said the priest. "God hears you. He is everywhere. He is in the church. He is on the sidewalk. He is everywhere."
Johnny thought for a moment. "Is he in my wagon?"
"Yes Johnny, God is in your wagon."
"Then tell him to get the he#$ out and start pulling!"
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Little Johnny was overheard by his mother reciting his homework.
"Two plus two, the son of a bi#$ is four; four plus four, the son of a bi#$ is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bi#$..."
"Johnny!" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! Your not allowed to swear."
"But, mum," he protested, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it loud till we learned it."
The next day Johnny's mother went straight to the classroom to complain.
"No, no," the teacher said horrified. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, "two plus two, the sum of which is four..."
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Little Johnny's father was disappointed that the boy scored such low marks in a spelling test.
"Why did you get such a bad mark?" he asked.
"Absence," said Johnny.
"What, you were absent on the day of the test?"
"No, but the boy who sits next to me was!"
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His teacher was horrified to hear Little Johnny swearing in school. "I never want to hear you using language like that again. Where on earth did you pick up such foul-mouthed talk?"
"From my dad," said Johnny.
"Well, he should be ashamed of himself," said the teacher. "And it's no reason for you to talk like that. Anyway, you don't even know what it means."
"I do!" said Johnny. "It means the car won't start."
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"Doctor, doctor, I only have 59 seconds to live, " said the old man. "Hang on, I'll be with you in a minute, said the doctor.
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What lies on the ground, a hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
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me- knock, knock
you-knock, knock who
me-interupting cow
you-interuptin.....
me-mooooooooooooooooo
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There was a rabbit and a bear and they were both taking a sh%$. The bear said to the rabbit," would you mind if you got sh%$ on your fur coat?" "No, I wouldn't," said the rabbit. The bear then wiped his a$$ with the rabbit.
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I WARN YOU THESE JOKES BELOW HERE ARE RACIST. I DO NOT ADVISE YOU TO READ THEM IF YOU ARE AN AFRICAN AMERICAN OR A MEXICAN. I AM NOT A RACIST. IN FACT, I HAVE A LOT OF MEXICAN AND AFRICAN AMERICAN FRIENDS.THESE ARE JUST FOR LAUGHS. REPEAT I'M NOT TRYING TO BE RACIST.
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What do you call a black man who falls off his motorcycle on his a$$?
A$$phalt.
How come there are no Mexicans in the Olympics?
Because all of the ones that can run, swim, and jump are already across the border.
A boat was sinking and the Italian, Mexican, and American had to get rid of something. The Italian threw the Parmesan Cheese in the water because there was enough of it in his country. The Mexican threw the pinto beans in the water because he had enough of them in his country. And the American threw the Mexican in the water because he had too many of them in his country.
The way Mexicans take family pictures is by speeding and then running a red light that is photo enforced and waiting for the picture to come in the mail.
